Interests:"I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany." Expertise:I'm a professional pog player. Watch yo' back.
Not related to anything in particular to current events in my life, but I've just been thinking about the past a lot these days.
It's been really hard lately to write honestly and candidly about life, my convictions, and God in relation to it all. I dunno why. It's weird because, as stupid as it sounds, I think that I really wanted up to step my blogging up a notch upon moving to LA. Reflections on class circles, existing while not exactly belonging in a UC environment, and things of the sort. Just writing on life, ya know? Alas... things haven't fared quite as I've hoped since I've moved to LA.
My brain's definitely atrophied quite a bit. I wasn't exactly a fantastic writer in the years past, but recent factors and circumstances have just stripped me any sort of eloquence I might have possessed before. I have the hardest time iterating my thoughts into coherent sentences, even in Livejournal. A combination of smoking an excessive amount of marijuana, dropping the occasional pill, not being in school, and as a whole, failing to challenge myself intellectually has really left me... Haha, for a lack of better word, stupid.
Aside from being unable to write coherently, I guess it's just hard to write honestly from a point of view that, frankly, is very different from what many former readers may have come to associated with me in the past. The core tenets of what I once believed are essentially still the same same. I still believe in God, still believe in the Trinity, still believe in Christian Hedonism, still believe in all that jazz. It's just... I don't know. I don't believe in it simultaneously, and for the most part, I really don't live by the same principles. Things have changed... I've changed, and I just have no idea how to reconcile everything.
I guess that's the main reason why I've stopped writing, sans the occasional one to two line entries. I don't know what I believe. I'm just this amorphous blob of beliefs that's always shifting and changing. I feel that whatever I may write down has no substance behind it because I simply don't know what I'll believe in a week.
Anyways, as shitty as the current reality is, with the economy going to hell, the influenza A (H1N1) outbreak (what is this, the Dark Ages?), and just the general stress and lackluster-ness brought about by the current living situation that I've put myself in, I'm rather okay with it all. Contrary to a lot of bad decisions I've been making in the past months and the incessant bitching that comes from my mouth, I really have been learning a lot about myself in light of all of the stress and problems brought about by the bitch we call life. Adversity ftw! It's just a nice reminder of how finite, weak, and human we all are. After all, what's life without a few dragons?
Also, I love my girlfriend. She ain't no fool, and she's rather cool. Like a spool of wool. She does not drool in the pool. Like Oksana Baiul, she kicks like a mule. Word. Check her music out. It is, as the cool kids say, "dope." http://haesuejo.com/media.html
And here's a nice quote by Emily Dickinson.
"We both believe, and disbelieve a hundred times an hour, which keeps believing nimble." ~ Emily Dickinson
I'll be completely honest. I think I've completely stopped believing in the Gospel being able to change anyone... at least any moreso than any other discernible outside influence in the world. If the hit or miss rate of Christians actually living like changed people is exactly the same, if not less, than that of outside philosophies, ideas, or religions, then why the fuck Christianity?
Everyone and everything is so fucking conditional. Everyone has a limit where they stop being "loving." Everyone has a limit where they stop being "nice". And if at the end of the day, nothing is changed except a few actions and attending a couple more meetings, then what the fuck?
Fuck your church, fuck your dogmatic standards and beliefs, and fuck your faith. I'm so sick of your shit.
There are only a couple of you I’m confused about. Sadly, I don't keep much in touch with most of you anymore. It’s not that I don’t feel worthy of speaking to you anymore, but moreso that I’m not sure how to explain myself to someone like you. You who I have always admired for true humility and serious contemplation about your actions. You who has always put God and others before everything in your life. You who transcends the popular conception of what a Christian should be and simply is. If you think I’m talking about you, don’t worry, because then it is most certainly not you. You know intuitively what you must do, and I admire and respect every bit of this integrity you are composed of, every bit of which I have always completely lacked.
TAO was intense. Fucking so many things went wrong, but it was a journey. Damn. I think I had a good time, but a message for all of you kids...
Drugs are bad. Fuck. Stay away from ecstasy.
I've been pumped about TAO since Monster, but going sober and going thizzing are 2 completely different things. Plus, being around irresponsible, e-fiends fucking ruins the night. To be honest, I think I would've rather just spent the day watching movies in bed with my ass munch. I really miss her. I was sad that I couldn't kiss her at midnight.
